Read at your own risk

I so wish I were a real programmer

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 13:32:23 GMT

Yeah, so that posting of my ideas thing hasn't been quite as regular as I'd like... I've been busy with videos and audio stuff and, now, taxes. Yeay.

I've been re-learning Quickbooks because I've finally found the motivation (read: received a deadline) to get Tricky Pixie's finances in order, and I want it to be done right. So, I've been up all night - mainly because my sleep schedule has been going around the long way on some 26 hour day thing.

s00j is so tolerant of my idiosyncracies. True love.

But I'm being random, because it's late/early and I just recognized a need for a tool that would be really really cool for someone who does my job... and I might be a good enough programmer to make it into a reality. Not that I would ever find the TIME to write it. Still, I figure I'll put it out there just for the sake of sharing... and so I can procrastinate for a few minutes before getting on with the data entry.

Some of you have seen me filling out a worksheet after every show, tracking sales and inventory and stuff. There's a lot of data at the top of every one of those pages that's supposed to be filled out when the show is booked, so it will be a handy reference when we're driving cross country and need to find the venue contact's phone number and the address and exactly what time we're supposed to be showing up and whether there's a time change and whether they're using our PA or if it's outdoors or whether they're feeding us, etc. All sorts of really useful information, all collected on the top of this gig worksheet that I came up with for shows. (a moment to brag: this worksheet has really impressed some other musicians and merchants who promptly requested a copy so they could make more for their own use)

Here's the thing, though: It's a pain in the ass to fill out before the show, because I hate writing things out by hand. I have all this stuff entered in a variety of places on my computer and in my e-mail and I rarely have time to do more than jot down the relevant keywords (much less complete addresses) onto the gig sheet on the day of the show.

It would be really cool if I had a simple program on my laptop where I could enter this data and have it spit out the PDF document all nicely formatted and ready to print.

It would be especially cool if I could use it even when I didn't have internet access (if it were done in python or something using the mac gui libraries). That happens to me more often that I'd like.

Other features I'd like, since I'm on a mac? I'd like it to sync with my address book. And with iCal. The sync services libraries are there. I keep hearing about them, but I haven't got a clue how to use them.

While I'm dreaming, I think I'll write out how it might work.

It could be a simple program that would allow me to input the relevant data in a form, using tab completion for relevant areas (recognizing previously entered venues or addresses) (yeah, not simple).

When submitted, it would layer text onto a PDF template, each field going into the appropriate spot.

As a side option, it might save the relevant form data in an XML file, with sync IDs for data that was drawn from the address book.
Another option would posting the event with date, address, showtime, and relevant show notes into iCal or even straight to the web calendar or myspace and all the other online calendar pages we have to keep maintained.

This sounds like it could be written as a plug-in or extension straight onto iCal, storing all the relevant data in the iCal interface (with coded data stored in the iCal event's notes or as a file attachment)

While I'm dreaming, some clever coding would allow the user to select a consecutive series of events in iCal and generate a URL for a google-map showing the street directions between the listed address for each event.

Jazz music, rhapsodies, and cover bands

Sat, 16 Feb 2008 20:57:51 GMT

note: I've been incubating half a dozen posts and ideas for posts for the past couple months, trying to perfect them as theses before revealing them to the public. In other words, they'll never be finished. I've decided, instead, to post my ideas immediately, before I lose interest, and develop them online as my interest returns (or as I'm encouraged to do so by interested readers). Thus, we begin.

Some things I think I know:

   People like listening to music they already know. They'll have music in the background, and think: "Oh, I love this song, I'll give it my attention." This is the basis of cover bands, and the reason why breaking new material on the general public is so difficult.

    This concept seems to be the basis of a lot of classical music - everybody borrowed bits from each other, revisited popular themes in new ways - Think Paginini and Rachmaninov (thanks NPR).

    Jazz music is sometimes based on the "standards" that everybody knows how to play, and audiences know how to listen to - and the musicians play with them, mess with them, trade the melodies back and forth, and play 'around' the actual music, keeping it just familiar enough that others know what they're listening to, but still creating an entirely new presentation of an established musical theme.

    Consider applying those jazz concepts to a whole new set of "standards" that everybody knows, these being the staple of cover bands the world over.

    Has anyone encountered this already? Is there a name for it?

I'm So Sorry

Fri, 15 Feb 2008 10:52:12 GMT

I have to admit that when I first heard s00j's song, I had to go and sulk for a little bit. I felt attacked and wounded, because I had just finished watching the Firefly series on DVD the week previous (thanks for the loan, Satyr). --- And I had stayed up late a couple nights in order to do it. I really liked Firefly and its characters and its story and its memorable lines and its potential material for lots of fandom-based humor and was looking forward to sharing it with my sweetie so she could like it too.

And then she wrote the song, forever dashing such hopes.

I will always defend my love and stand with her on her decisions. I will also be ready to defend her at upcoming Cons and fandom engagements, and standing by with medical shears and implements of retaliatory destruction, should disaster strike.

I have taken the time to look at her reasons and try to see her point of view, to see what this song is about and where it's coming from.

She digs on herself in "I'm So Sorry" just as much as she digs on anyone else. She admits she has her own afflictions (youTube, House, Californication, Dr. Who, Robot Chicken, etc) -- And anybody who has ever dressed up in browncoat or buffy cosplay can feel comfortable in knowing that s00j has gone all fangirl with a few costumes of her own. (LunaCon 2007 or Orphan's Tales Road Show, anyone?) I'm sure somebody has a few handy pictures they could link to in the comments here, for reference. She's even dressed up as David Bowie for Halloween! And we plan to create a small army of Sweeney Todds this year. (Beware the stabby hotness!)

We all recognize that good TV is as hard to find as good rap or good folk music or good anything. It does exist, and it surprises the hell out of us when we find it, and we want to share its existence with others so that they can enjoy it too. I understand the folks that are constantly telling us about the latest and/or greatest in their lives, and I appreciate the fact that you want to share it with us. I believe s00j understands as well.

Some people (like myself) cling to the rare nuggets of good entertainment that we find, holding onto them as though they are the only way to stay afloat in the vast oceans of crap that flood the daily media.

Some people take those nuggets and incorporate them into their sense of self and base their personal fantasies off of them. We all need our fantasies, and there is a wealth of good and admirable material out there for our benefit.

But it's sometimes very funny to see the extremes people will go to. If we were to stop and look at what we have done in faith or favor of our best-est, favorite-est, most awesome-est source of entertainment - in all seriousness, we could not help but laugh at ourselves. (Look at me, I gave up my house, my income, my car, my lifestyle and follow mine around the country. You don't get much more fanboy than that.)

If we can't laugh at ourselves, the world becomes worse than dull -- it becomes terrifying and corrosive.

Jumping off the cliff with everyone else

Thu, 07 Feb 2008 06:34:01 GMT

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Memetime: Superheroes

Thu, 03 Jan 2008 00:58:45 GMT

Superhero Team Quiz

LiveJournal Username

Your Primary Super Power

Cape?

Identitiy

Origin

Location of Head Quarters

Primary Costume/Uniform Colors

Why are you a Superhero?

Your Superheroic Codename

The veteran grim member of the team

rosefox

The sexist and crass but annoyingly effective one

grailquestion

The bright-eyed novice or sidekick

shellefly

The teammate that will eventually go evil or insan

ericcoleman

The inept yet determined/reoccurring supervillain

kenllama

The sinister Arch-Villain and team's greatest foe

tribalknight

The perky civilian that keeps getting kidnapped

shadowriderhope

How often does your team actually 'save the day'?

92%

This Fun Quiz created by Shannon at BlogQuiz.Net

Podcast and YouTube progress

Mon, 31 Dec 2007 20:53:41 GMT

Hey all,

Working hard on getting the videos and the live concert audio sorted out... and I discovered a couple snags that I should have taken into consideration before I told everybody they'd be up by the end of the year.

I've got eight hours of audio uploaded to a new forum system I've installed at skinnywhitechick.com, which I did some basic mastering on, but they also had to be chopped up into track files, because the concert files were HUGE. That took a lot of extra time, mostly comprised of fighting with various software packages until I figured out a good method to finish up the files.

The original plan was to post a single file for each concert in podcast format, to keep the process easy and therefore more likely to get done. I forgot that when SJ does two forty-five minute sets in a show, that recording is about 100 megabytes (MP3 and AAC average about a MB per minute). Going to mono podcasts (which is fine, since they're single-channel recordings anyway) reduces the file size to about 50 MB.

Still, I've got eight hours of audio finished, chopped up, and uploaded - including several brand new, unreleased songs. SJ is going to review the audio to make sure it meets her standards, and then we'll start sending out the invitations. This is a whole lot of work, but I'm also very, very thankful for the donations you've given.

I'll be finishing up the youtube videos in the next couple days. My first two projects will be the Tricky Pixie show at SoulFood and Festival of Souls 2007.

Character sketch

Mon, 24 Dec 2007 00:46:25 GMT

I'd like to tell you about this guy: <picture of Gremn>

He's about eight feet tall, more than a little slow, and ugly as dirt. His name is Gremn. Sometimes it's spelled Graemn. Sometimes is Grimm. He's not wise in the way of letters, although he is not unwise either.

Many winters ago, Graemn was born to a miller and his wife in a small village on the edge of a great forest. He was a gigantic baby, and very nearly killed his mother in childbirth. Even more, he was a hungry child, and his mother wasted further away providing enough sustenance for him. She sacrificed the last of her strength in breastfeeding, and died just when Graemn was old enough to be weaned.

Although the miller secretly blamed Graemn for his mother's death, the old man did his best to raise the boy on his own. There was always plenty of food in the miller's larder, and enough hands around to tend to the boy as he grew. And grow he did, so much that he was taller than his father by his tenth year.

Such quick and unchecked growth made Graemn an ugly child and a frightening man, with a wide, sloping face, and a huge mouth that couldn't quite close over large teeth. His bones grew crookedly, with knotted joints and disproportionate limbs, but they grew long and strong. Before long, he was nearly twice the size of any man in his village.

From his earliest years, Graemn didn't fit in with the other children of his village, who thought him monstrous and different and threw stones at him. He wasn't tolerated at the schoolhouse by the teacher who was impatient with Graemn's slow thoughts and even slower learning. Graemn was also unwelcome at home, driven out regularly by an increasingly alcoholic father. Thus, he spent a lot of time in the forest, listening to the sounds of the woods and watching the seasons shift around him.

Graemn's mind is slow enough that he was able to learn to understand the trees in their speaking to each other. He was enough of a calm and eternal attendant to the wilderness that the animals and other denizens of the deep woods grew comfortable with his presence.

From the trees, he has learned a version of history and much about the nature of the world. From watching the creatures of the forest, he learned of plants to eat and to avoid. From his own cautious experiments, he learned which of the edible plants he could digest himself, and which ones made him sick. He learned about traps and snares by observing hunters at work, and by finding caught animals.

As Graemn grew to his full height, he was further shunned by the people of his village. They called him an ogre, for his size and ugliness. Everyone, especially Graemn's father, knew his human origins, but they all gradually chose to forget his humanity. Their daily perceptions of his true nature, a slow and gentle but clumsy giant of a man, became colored by the stories of ogres and such monsters from legend. His every action became suspect, and eventually Graemn realized he was simply not welcome anymore.

He started wandering, sticking mainly to the forest where he could hear about the lay of the land from the trees and where he knew how to find enough food to survive. He has thus continued to survive at the edge of civilization for many years. All of his further interactions with mankind have been brief and tense, at best. He is still dependent upon civilization to meet his needs for warm clothing and tools, but he has learned over time that some of the plants, herbs, and stones he finds in the forest are valuable to the right people. He doesn't generally get a fair price for the goods he brings to town, but his needs are simple and he doesn't need much money for supplies.

Gremn has been called an ogre often enough that he's accepted the description and internalized the word, though he doesn't really understand what other people mean by it. He recognizes that people don't like having him around, but doesn't always understand that he's scary.

He is normally very calm, when allowed to think at his own pace. When rushed or harassed, he gets easily frustrated, and responds to the source of his frustration by retreating from it or, failing that, by pushing it away. He has never intentionally attacked anyone or anything, but he has had a couple of violent run-ins with civilized men. In nearly every case, someone ended up hurt as Gremn flailed his gigantic arms and trampled his opponents while trying to get away.

Graemn is a character that I came up with as a stilts costume a couple years back for LunaCon. As Graemn, I really am about eight feet tall and quite startling, if not outright scary. I think I, personally, derive more joy from eliciting screams than Graemn would. (ask yuki_onna ;-}) He has evolved into something more than just a costume character over the years, as SJ and I have hashed him out and shared stories about him and his adventures as a way to fill the time during long drives. Perhaps he'll get a chance to share some adventures with other characters in a game, someday.

This has probably been memed before

Sat, 22 Dec 2007 20:26:12 GMT

I've been thinking about this for a long time. Figured it would be a good filler post while I'm finishing up the other posts I've been working on. It's also an excellent way to show off some LJ icons s00j made for me.

If I could have a superpower, my favorite would be the ability to transmogrify into a small, furry creature - preferably a rabbit with thumbs. It would also be important to be able to change back.

Can you imagine? I'd be ultimately, irresistably cute. I would spend so much time curled up and snuggling in laps, getting scritched behind the ears. I'd be able to fly with Sooj for free, in her carry-on luggage. I'd be able to run cables anywhere, because I'd be able to fit in tiny spaces.

I am such a lucky man

Sat, 15 Dec 2007 19:27:37 GMT

My love read to me in bed last night... Just a little from The Celtic Twilight by W.B. Yeats.

Paraphrased from Yeats:

"The things a man has heard and seen are threads of life, and if he pull them carefully from the confused distaff of memory, any who will can weave them into whatever garments of believe please them best. I too have woven my garment like another, but I shall try to keep warm in it, and shall be well content if it do not unbecome me."

Also:

"Hope and memory have one daughter and her name is Art."

Oh, to be reminded that I should be, would be, and am the envy of so many.

I am blessed.

My Crimma gift to you all

Thu, 13 Dec 2007 20:56:07 GMT

What with all my begging and scrounging and pleading for money for this laptop, I know that you all deserve something in return.

So, now that I -have- the laptop (bought on my credit card, because I couldn't wait anymore), I will finally be able to do the following, which I know you will all be happy to benefit from:

I will digitize, edit, clean up, and post a variety of awesome SJ performances to youTube by the end of the year... Including some songs that aren't even on CD yet.

I will go through and process the audio recordings that I've been making of SJ's shows this year (and from years past) and I will make them available as MP3s to our favoritest people. These are not for everybody, because we don't want just anybody to have these. Our biggest sponsors of the year and our dearest friends and our dearest friends who also happen to be our biggest sponsors (funny how that works) will get an e-mail from me or SJ by the end of the year with a list of recordings to choose from.

I don't want anybody to feel left out, however, so I'm going to figure out how to do a streaming Skinny White Chick radio station where SJ's best recordings and performances will be available for your listening pleasure... but not necessarily for download. I'm not sure how long that'll take, but I'm set on making it happen as soon as I can.

Of course, if you don't want to wait for me to figure out teh internetz... you can always become a sponsor before the end of the year. Everyone who donates (to whatever cause) will get something. The people who have donated a lot will get lots of stuff.

General sponsorship stuff via paypal: sjtucker@skinnywhitechick.com
Laptop fund (not credit card friendly): laptopfund@skinnywhitechick.com

Yes, I'm a mercenary. My intention is to keep the money for my laptop from coming out of SJ's pocket.

Living by driving vs. eco-responsibility

Mon, 10 Dec 2007 22:03:52 GMT

As some of you know, SJ and I have been trying to figure out our next step in the realm of transportation for a little while. Golde (SJ's Explorer) is still a reliable beast, but we're planning ahead, and we want to be able to step gracefully into our next vehicle instead of scrambling when the time comes.

Our basic needs: A reliable, comfortable vehicle capable of transporting two people and the supplies we need to maintain this travelling circus (instruments, sound system, merchandise, costumes, clothing, bedding, and a couple of toys -- poi, staff, stilts). Our current vehicle gets 20 mpg on regular gasoline and has just enough space for our current load of stuff -- recognizing, of course that the size of our current load of stuff is defined by the capacity of our current vehicle. ;) Beyond the basics, we have several considerations that we are keeping in mind for our research and decision-making.

Where am I going with this?

Our first priority in a new vehicle, beyond our basic needs: We want to be more ecologically responsible, to reduce our dependency on petroleum and reduce the impact from the 50K miles we drive each year (not to mention the impact rising fuel costs have on our budget).

If we're looking at the next vehicle in 2008, this means a vehicle with either a hybrid or biodiesel engine. I can only dream of a hydrogen fuel cell vehicle with electric motors, although that technology is on the very cusp of implementation -- it won't be available to the likes of us in this decade. For hybrid vehicles, we are looking at a very simple reduction in gas consumption. There aren't a lot of choices that meet our needs as a touring vehicle in this category. In fact, I don't think there are any. The Ford Escape is just too small, and doesn't represent a significant improvement in fuel efficiency. For that matter, we might as well just choose a fuel efficient mini-van. There are several minivans on the market that get better than 25 mpg, are made for touring (ie. they have comfortable upright seats) and have significantly more interior cargo space than our Explorer. Minivans are also significantly less expensive than SUVs (don't ask me why), so -- should we decide to trade in Golde -- we would probably be able to find an even trade from our 2001 SUV to a 2003 or 2004 minivan. SJ loves her Golde, and doesn't want to think about trading her in or selling her before her time, even if we can get more resale/trade value out of a healthy SUV than an ailing or dead one. That's another debate, however. I will simply state that a minivan is a very possible choice for our next vehicle.

If we want to go further towards ecological responsibility, we'll start looking at biodiesel. This opens up our options, but also complicates the equation. Good biodiesel isn't easy to find (but it's getting easier), and only works with a fraction of the diesel engines on the market (mostly european imports). We also start looking at non-standard vehicles. My favorite option in this realm is the Dodge Sprinter (also available through Mercedes and Freightliner). Many of you have already heard me cooing and drooling about this van. It's a full-size fan with more than enough hauling capacity for our needs, it gets 24 to 27 mpg, and it will run on biodiesel without modification. The 2005 models are going for about $20K these days, and they seem to have really remarkable resale value, so it looks like we could buy one for $20K this year and sell it for $15K-$18K several years later, should we decide to. We're not terribly interested in a more recent model, because Dodge decided to 'upgrade' the engine in the Sprinter in 2006 or 2007. The model years with the new engine have more power but poor fuel effiency and are therefore removed from our consideration. This may be contributing to the older models' retention of value. A Sprinter is a very tempting choice, because it would allow SJ and me to haul even more stuff (a wider selection of instruments and fire gear, for example), have room for occasional passengers (a cellist and fiddle player?), improve our mileage, lower our fuel costs, let us run petroleum-free when we can find biodiesel, and possibly even put a bed in the back. We'd just have to raise quite a lot of money or guarantee enough monthly income to cover payments on a loan. Did I mention that we don't have any car loans? It's one of the reasons we can do what we do. (More details on finding money for this possibility will be in another LJ post that I'm working on.) We'd also be driving a much larger vehicle that'd be harder to park and and drive in tight spaces. We might also get hit with higher charges on certain toll roads, because they'd consider it a commercial vehicle.

Another possibility I've happened across in past months is this: Toyota, Chrysler, and other carmakers are selling minivans with diesel engines in Europe, England, and Japan. These minivans get over 40 mpg and will also run biodiesel without modification. They've been on the market in Europe for years, but the auto companies are only just now considering selling diesel minivans in the USA (which means we won't see them available until 2009 or 2010). It would be impractical (and possibly illegal) to import a diesel minivan from Europe, but I've read on a variety of internet forums that one can buy one of the engines and have it shipped to the states and install it in the US variant of the same make, model, and year. For example, the Toyota Previa. We could buy a diesel engine for a 2004 Toyota Previa from Germany or Spain or something, have it shipped to the states, and have it installed in a used 2004 Toyota Previa that's already here (search ebay for minivans with blown engines). I've estimated it could be professionally done for less than ten grand, and they could throw in a premium greasel conversion while we were at it for only a thousand more. This would allow us to haul all of our equipment with plenty of room, have a little more space and a more comfortable ride with maybe some room for extra passengers, park and drive like a normal vehicle and reduce our fuel costs and petroleum dependency (even more so with greasel).

What do I mean by greasel? There are modifications that can be made to many diesel engines and fuel systems to allow them to run on straight vegetable oil. Filtered waste vegetable oil is much easier to find than good biodiesel or even bad biodiesel. I recently heard of a system that can pump fry grease straight from the waste oil tanks at a restaurant, filter it internally, and be ready to drive away in less than an hour. An hour of idle time for a tank full of free fuel? Sounds like a good deal to me. Even if you can't find a supply of veggie oil, you can still run on regular diesel or biodiesel. There are a variety of systems available at a variety of price points and levels of complexity, but the basic premise is a modified diesel engine running on vegetable oil. Yes, the fuel efficiency (miles per gallon) is reduced, but the basic cost of the fuel is significantly lower.

The biggest drawback to these systems is that they break. If you don't want them to break on you while you're in the middle of nowhere, you have to establish a very solid maintenance and parts-replacement schedule (ie. a new fuel filter every 750 miles and a new fuel pump in the trunk at all times.) They're also not going to be repaired by just any small-town mechanic. In other words, it seems to me that greasel vehicles should be considered hobbyist vehicles. Not sure I want to go there, myself. That's why we didn't go the VW bus route a couple years ago. (I was gifted -- and I promptly regifted -- a camper-converted VW bus back in 2005.)

I'd be perfectly happy with a diesel minivan getting 40mpg, using biodiesel when we can get it, if we can be certain that the diesel conversion was done well and the vehicle could be trusted for long tours. The pure diesel conversion might be more reliable than a full greasel conversion, but I haven't found enough information to really form an educated opinion.

Of course, we could go whole hog on the greasel front and get a small bus with a high-end grease system, put a couple beds in the back, a small kitchen, and some comfy seats up front. All told, that could also be done for less than ten grand (off the top of my head.) We'd hire a driver/roadie with mechanical experience to take care of the driving and maintenance, and we'd have room for several passengers (ie. musicians) and we could bump up the tour a couple notches. (More on this tack in two other LJ posts I'm working on.) The fuel efficiency would be crappy, but mileage wouldn't matter quite so much while we were running on waste vegetable grease that costs almost nothing to acquire.

All of these things are possible, and even reasonable. They're also in the future. Speaking of the future, I have yet another LJ post that I'm working on that will cover our vehicular possibilities if SJ and I were willing to wait until 2009 or 2010 before we made the upgrade. Some exciting possibilities are waiting to unfold at the end of this decade, but this is enough for now.

Oh yeah - Teaser

Sun, 02 Dec 2007 19:40:50 GMT

I'm also planning to write up my ideas for our dream house... Does anybody know how much volcanic rock gravel costs in the PacNW? By the ton? I've read it's an excellent thermal insulator in an Earthbag implementation.

Thought for today

Sun, 02 Dec 2007 19:33:09 GMT

While you're waiting for me to finish my other posts (the nature of living as a perpetual guest, an idea seed for automated intercity mass transit, and my secret plans for Crimma gifts... maybe I won't post that one...)

"A modest living under your own power is worth more than slavery at any price."

I would rather live my own life as a poor man than be trapped in a high paying job at someone else's whims.

Sweet Nothings

Sun, 25 Nov 2007 19:57:47 GMT

Said to s00j upon waking on Saturday morning.
"my brightest star and my deepest shadow. my clearest vision and my purest dream."

Dressing vs Stuffing

Thu, 22 Nov 2007 17:03:51 GMT

"Other people call it stuffing, so I'm giving you permission to call it stuffing, even though it hasn't been stuffed anywhere. Dressing makes me think Ranch or Raspberry Vinaigrette, not cornbread."

A new beginning unfolds...

Tue, 20 Nov 2007 03:16:25 GMT

I now have the means and the intention to post thoughts and ideas to livejournal again.

Prepare yourself. :)

Whelmed...

Mon, 22 Nov 2004 13:31:26 GMT

I am now in Japan.

I have been here for a couple days now, and I'm not done yet. I haven't done all the things I want to do here, nor have I seen or spoken to all the people on my list yet. But I long for home (and I'm not talking about Colorado).

There are memories peeking at me from the shadows. The buildings have all changed, but the stones are still here. There are gardens and shrines and little stone niches and knick-knacks that I'd forgotten about. They leap out at me from the corner of my vision, and I am left stunned, awash in distant memories.

This space seems so unfamiliar, overall. It's changed so much in the last ten years. But there are some very old places here. Places that have resisted the tides of time, and still ring true.

Most of the people I knew are gone. Promoted or retired or simply moved on. I was hoping to find teachers and friends, but I wasn't hoping too hard. I have to accept the transient nature of this space, and I should be completely surprised that there are ANY left at all. But there are a few, and the ones who are still here do remember me, and remember me fondly. That warms my heart.

I have finally met my niece, Erin Reina Wiley, and she is an adorable creature. She is happy and healthy and perfectly mannered, and she very clearly loves her father. That's the most important part. Pictures will be posted soon.

And - SNAP - the world changes again

Wed, 18 Aug 2004 00:53:09 GMT

It was a big weekend at the end of a long couple months. Amazing, mind-opening, tragic, and altogether beautiful.

There are so many things that I've been neglecting, and this journal is one of them. Not saying that's going to stop, but I felt I should stop by and record what might be one of the more significant events in my life.

Or it might be no more than an ordinary, everyday learning experience.

This weekend, I met Sooj: The Skinny White Chick. I will never be the same. I'm infected by a fever, now. A fever that interferes with my thinking, and fills my head with fantasy worlds and hallucinations. I hear her voice coming from my CD player. I may hear her voice through my phone, later. I may see her words on my computer screen. These are all that I will have, for a while. Such is life. Maybe I'll learn Sooj Speak, the words that make no sense when looked at, but say more than they could otherwise, when listened to. I will steal her words and use them in my own context.

I'm not sure how I feel about this whole situation. I'm not sure how I want to feel. It seems to me that I'm in love with a fantasy creature... Someone that cannot possibly exist. But there she is, talking to me across the miles, and telling me everything I want to hear.

I want to drop everything and move to Memphis. I won't. I keep telling myself not to. I'm just another Chick Head, just another face in the crowd, in love with the voice and the magick on stage. How can anyone -not- fall in love with this woman? There are too many out there for a figment like myself to catch her eye. And yet, here I am.

My intellect says: Wait. Settle down. Think. Hesitate? He who hesitates is lost. I'm definitely lost, for I know not where to go. I do know that I can't stay where I am.

Whether I move to Memphis or not, I still think the time has come to drop everything and move.

Am I a fantasy creature, myself? Can I truly have such a profound affect on someone else? Can I take her words to my heart and not find myself bleeding? Can I possibly hope that I have affected her just as much? Can I afford to? I could ruin her life by interfering. I could have just lied and walked away to protect the both of us. Too late for that. I have said too much.

Like dragons and bumper stickers, I will keep on sticking on and waiting for the right moment to be seen with other eyes, real or imaginary.

And then I remember I am an Unforgettable Knight, by the crown of Gwendolyn, by rite of Lancelot. These things are not mutually exclusive. I can love and be loved, without letting go of all that I have. I can grasp at moments of tenderness and weep for the times that my love is so far away, which seems to always be the case. Denver is too close for my Karma. It must be Michigan, Texas, Tenessee, Hawaii, Pennsylvania, Boston.

Why? The answer will always be, "Why not?"

Why me? The answer will always be, "Who else?"

These are the things that keep me on my toes. This is my life, and I will live it - for better or for worse. There can be no other way. The world exists to keep us all entertained. Who would rather the alternative?

An uninteresting life is not worth living. If I keep saying that, maybe I'll remember why it's true.

"To hell with the bumpy ride." Keep going.

A decision that's weighing on my mind...

Wed, 24 Mar 2004 18:48:32 GMT

I find myself in a quandary. I just received a job offer in a company my Dad works for that would make use of my security clearance before it goes away, pay really well (twice what I'm making now), provide benefits, and provide me with regular training to increase my skill sets.

I've worked with this company before, and I'm familiar with the facilities and many of the people, so very little is unknown about this job.

The catches:

The job is working for a large corporation, and I would go from being "Senior Developer" in a small company to being a nameless cog in a corporate machine.

My Dad is seriously looking at leaving this company because of some unnamed problems he's having with the upper management back East. He assures me that the problems he's having wouldn't affect my work environment, because he's an executive in the company, and I'd be working in the lab and therefore sheltered from it.

The job is coming open because the previous person is quitting. I know the guy who has the job now, and I've worked with him before. This makes me curious as to -why- he's quitting, but that's something I don't know yet.

There's a bit of a commute. I've been spoiled by being five to ten minutes from the office.

I like most of the people I'm working with now, and they're my friends.

It also seems like the company I'm working for now can't survive in the long term without me. If I leave the company, they'll collapse, because no one else will do for them what I do for as little money as I'm currently doing it.

Combine the last two points and you've got a real problem: It feels like I'd be abandoning my friends and possibly forcing them to lose their jobs if the company eventually goes under without me.

I'd lose a lot of scheduling flexibility. At my current job, if I feel like sleeping in a bit or taking a day off, I can usually get away with it.

Countering the catches:

I'd be doubling my income. That's a lot of freaking money, and I really need those benefits. Dental and Medical would be very nice, since I'd like to have my teeth and knees looked at sometime very soon.

I'd be escaping the stress of my current job. Having some difficulties with Artie, the boss, lately. One of those difficulties is he's trying to remove my scheduling flexibility, so that particular perk might be going away anyway.

I've also grown tired of the countless minutiae, and problematic annoyances that are constantly plaguing my workday. When people at this company make mistakes, it's usually my problem to fix them, because I'm the only one who knows how.

I'd be escaping a job that I feel like I'm giving too much while getting too little in return. It seems like I care too much and therefore worry too much and give too much of myself to this job. I work late hours all the time and sometimes voluntarily work unpaid overtime. All of this, and I feel like I'm just barely keeping up, if not falling behind.

Countering the counters:

The reason I give so much of myself to this job is because I care about this job. Isn't it better to care about your job and know your work is helping people?

The countless minutiae and problems are all too often my fault. Not all of them, probably not even most of them. But I most certainly won't be escaping them by moving to another job.

I'd be running away from my problems instead of solving them. Something I do all too often. I have to make sure I'm taking this job (if I take it) for the right reasons, instead of this very wrong one.

I'd be working for a large government sub-contracting firm. This seems like a 'bad thing' by itself. But it seems like that's where the money is, doesn't it?

Countering the counters of the counters:

I almost feel like it would be nice to have a job that I can just leave at work instead of worrying about it all the time. A job where I don't feel bad because 40 hours a week just isn't enough to get the job done. A job where I don't feel like I'm stealing money from my boss's children when I collect the occasional overtime check in order to catch up or when I hold my ground and make him pay me the bonuses and commissions I work so hard for.

If I had a job like that, then maybe I'd be able to do work that I enjoy in my free time. That time outside of the 40 hours a week that I'm tied to someone else's workload.

The balance

I guess the ultimate balance comes down to which job gives me more satisfaction in the end, and whether an extra $25,000 a year is worth a slight loss in job comfort and a slight dent in my principles.

Good Question:

Wed, 17 Mar 2004 09:15:25 GMT

In response to Firdarrig's question:
> Here's a list for ya, having been thinking about such things myself: What are
> you going to be for such a person? What are you going to bring to the table
> when you find such a person.
>
> And if you try this game at all, the list I mean, be as honest as you can,
> listing every good and amazing thing about you that you can and every petty,
> small noxious item you can. It is... challenging to do. Often more for the
> good than the bad.

And this anonymous second:
> I concur. What do you have that makes these demands worthwhile? How much
> understanding are you willing to cough up?

I shall start with the obvious, parallel items.

Petite:
I'm certainly slim, although I'm of only average height.
Active:
I'm downright athletic, at times.
Intelligent:
If I must say so myself... Hell, yes.
Creative:
If I must say so myself... Hell, yes. (gryne)
Open and Honest:
Open in the terms of -being- open? That's one I'm working very hard on. In fact, I'm specifically hoping to find someone whom I can be open with.
And I don't lie to the people that are important to me.
Social and reasonably friendly:
That would be me.
A touch of the exotic and a little naughty:
Does fire spinning count? Does my very long hair count? Does my rather eccentric nature count?
And I definitely like being a little naughty at times.

I'm also fairly attractive (go ahead... deny it), have a decent sense of humor (at times), work very hard at being a good conversationalist (having something to talk about is very important) and being interesting (almost too hard, at times), and would most certainly demonstrate an active interest in someone I considered a mate.

Of course, direct questions were asked:

What do I have that makes these demands worthwhile?

I certainly feel that I am worth it. These seem to be very small requests, compared to what I could be asking for. Ultimately, the original list was simply me recognizing the simple things that are attractive to me in a woman.

How much understanding am I willing to cough up?

Anyone who knows me would know that I am a very accepting and forgiving person. I am very capable of seeing situations from the other person's point of view and understanding their needs and situation. For me, it's not nearly about 'coughing up' understanding, but simply being who I already am.

What can I bring to the table?

I work very hard at being a good partner. I have learned a great deal over the years about basic things, and I always endeavor to apply what I have learned.

Features that I work hard to maintain about myself:
Considerate
Warm
Accepting
Attentive

I am capable and willing of making decisions, when necessary, and willing to bend in favor of my partner's preferences when justified. For example, I'm very good at providing a satisfactory answer to the question: What do you want to do now? I'm always open to suggestions, but it usually comes down to me listing out a handful of agreeable options, if that fails, suggesting my favorite.

I don't steal the sheets. I don't mind cold feet under the covers. I love providing warmth to cold hands and giving long backrubs. I have a taste for romance and quiet moments, and I can (and do) go dancing just about whenever.

I must recognize my faults, however, if I am to take this exercise seriously.

I am not very good at material things. I'm very attached to my savings account, and not very attached to material possessions. I'm terrible about buying gifts for girlfriends (beyond the occasional rose), and I'm terrible about getting gifts in return. I also have a terrible habit of giving away things that I've been given.

I'm not fond of spending money at restaurants unless it's a special occasion. I've had a couple of girlfriends who really like eating out "just because", and, in most such cases, it's usually her that pays the tab. Not because I refuse to pay it myself, but because I'm so hesitant about going out to eat in the first place that she feels obligated to pay the tab herself. Fortunately for me, each of these girlfriends in question has recognized this trait in me and my unwillingness to spend money, and each has perfectly willing to spend their money on me.

I am, by nature, polyamorous and a terrible flirt, and that can be hard to accept for some people. On the other hand, for all of my flirting, I stay true to my word and to the nature of my relationships. If I'm in a monogamous relationship, then I stay monogamous. I will still flirt, though, and it doesn't mean that I stop loving other people. Love doesn't go away.

I have self-confidence issues, like anyone else. There are a lot of times when I just don't feel like being nice to myself, or even letting anyone else be nice to be. Even to the point of being self-destructive.

I'm a bit of a coward, and I'm a bit of a push-over, too. I really don't like getting angry, and will go to great lengths to avoid direct confrontations with people I care for. This can be a bad thing at times. So, sometimes I'll bend when I should have stood my ground, and sometimes I'll run away instead of solving the problem by letting an inevitable fight occur.

I have a flaky memory at times, and I'm not -completely- reliable when it comes to making plans.

I'm also absolutely terrible about leaving anywhere. I've always got one more person to say goodbye to or there's one more thing I forgot to grab in the other room or I'll get stalled by meaningless distractions. I'm late, all too often.

I also love to sleep. A lot. I'll lounge in bed for as long as I can get away with, and almost always stay in bed long after my partner has risen and started her day.

I have a lot of friends, which can get in the way, because I get very social at times and start craving group contact. And there are times when I feel obligated to visit all of them, thereby sucking away all of my already scant free time.

I get involved in too many projects at once, meaning I usually have only a little time available for other people, unless those other people are interested in working with me on the projects.

I'm a gamer. Enough said.

I don't drink alchohol, which has vexed a couple of people, because they feel about drinking around me. I really don't mind, although I'm pretty much done with dating smokers.

The list could go on and on, but it's late. So I'll come back to it, and make yet -another- list.

Oh no! Not another LIST!

Mon, 15 Mar 2004 07:02:50 GMT

Yeah... It's a list.

This is a list of what I've decided I want in my ideal mate:

Petite
Active
Intelligent
Creative
Open and honest
Social and/or friendly and/or understanding of my social tendencies
A basically nice person
Just a touch exotic and a little naughty
Living within a one hour drive
Currently not 'involved' with someone else

Some other stuff that goes without saying: Pretty, funny, fun, good conversation, interested, interesting. Yeah, 'interested' would be fairly important.

Relationships...

Mon, 15 Mar 2004 06:50:07 GMT

One of the main life elements that has been weighing on my mind these last couple weeks is relationships and what I want out of them. I'm not really sure if I can admit to myself what I really want out of the various types of relationships I've found myself in and maintained.

I have lots of friends, some of them are even close to my heart. A real improvement, there. A remarkable number of my friends are genuinely great people, and all of those are modest enough to be surprised when I remind them of that.

I've rediscovered an old and neglected social circle in the last couple weeks, too. It was at the behest of one particularly troubled friendship / relationship. The primary social circle in question is a group called Corvus Aurorae. Essentially, it's a group of people who all happen to be friends of a guy called Orion. Good people. People I missed hanging out with and working with. I'd forgotten how easy it is to make time for people that are important to you.

Then there's the girls in my life. Up until a couple weeks ago, it was a very complicated scenario. Today, it seems comparatively simple. No need to go into details. Suffice to say that it's been a very interesting couple weeks, and it's all over now.

What I am left with is a very clear concept of what I am looking for in a partner. I am also quite aware now that I am looking for a -partner-. Not just a girlfriend or a fling or the occasional sex. Something in myself is looking for that 'fit' that I've found on a few wonderful occasions.

I still have a great 'fit' with a couple of very wonderful people. But none of these people are currently in my life, and I'm looking for a more immediate solution.

Kat comes very close. I'm very fond of her, and we seem to have a very good friendship - and we can talk. That's very important, having something to talk about. With Kat, we always seem to come up with something to talk about. Very nice.

I thought I had it with Miranda, but it seems like the fit is off, and she doesn't count anyway, since she's in Hawaii. There's a story regarding the Miranda situation, but that will have to come later.

I had a magic with Kitten way back when, but I'm scared to test it to see if it's still there. I don't want to find out that I can't find it again. Seeing her again at Christmas was amazing. So much of the sparkle was back in her again... I had so much hope. Then I thought about it and got scared and ran away. I love her dearly, and I want to bring her and her circle back into my life. Can't possibly be any harder than bringing Corvus back in. I think I'll make that a priority.

Better

Fri, 19 Sep 2003 22:54:43 GMT

Amazing what a little venting can do.

Back on track. Work progressing. Got my adrenalin rush last night.

Life is good again.

Fear

Thu, 18 Sep 2003 20:07:41 GMT

Today, I feel like running away.

I have let myself get in over my head. My projects have become too large and intimidating. I am too far behind. Some of them seem too large and intimidating -because- I am so far behind.

I feel like giving up.

I'm not going to go over the list of things that is bothering me, because I am tired of the good-natured jabs at the to-do lists I contented myself with when I first started posting here now.

I wish I had someone to turn to for help. I wish I had a real friend I could talk to today.

I have many friends, but the close ones are far away. I have let the ones who live in town drift away, and have only maintained and established bonds with people who live elsewhere.

I tried talking to one of my co-workers. But it felt like a waste of time. Time I should have spent bent over the grindstone.

But all I can do is stare at my work. I poke at it. I dig at it. I make a little progress, then I realize that I'm going in the wrong direction and undoing work I've already done.

I feel like starting over. But there's no time.

And here I am. Procrastinating again.

I feel like I don't know what to do. But I do know what to do. I'm going back to work. I'll get through this.

I'm not sure whether I really want someone to feel sorry for me. There's that need. That's why I'm bothering to talk to anyone about this. But I'll feel like a moron the moment someone takes pity on me. I want to vent, to complain, to be heard... but I don't want to be pitied. I just want people to know how I feel.

I guess that's what LJ is for. I talk talk to a void where I can convince myself people are listening. And I can believe that, even when there is no response.

So much to do, so little motivation...

Tue, 08 Jul 2003 21:50:01 GMT

Haven't accomplished much in the last couple days, despite all of my stressing over the weekend about how far behind I'm getting.

Lost all my motivation. Spending too much time procrastinating, like finding this nifty new image.

Tried very hard to work last night, stayed until 10:30, and still only made goals I should have reached before noon. Of course, I didn't get to work until TWO.

People would kill to have my job. And I'm fucking it all away.